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Autobiography 77 "And now, what more?"

"That is something that I myself do not know. The more I read over and think over the gickel gackel of my story as told so far, the more disgusted I am with it. I had therefore decided to begin it all over again, to put it all in quite a different guise, to omit a great deal that now seems right stupidly nonsensical to me, but on the other hand to insert other more important matters, over which I have stumbled or which during the first drafts did not occur to my mind. But because, as I said before, my inclination to write has diminished by three quarters at least - because I would have to buy extra time for it, and especially because I would not make it much better, I would rather leave it as it is - as a harmless though as I think useless thing, (at least to other people). But in order to improve to some degree the muddle that I have made of it so far, I will at least set down one or two further matters, and, before strangers shall judge me, criticise myself and then conclude with an account of my present situation."


78 "And so?"

"It should be i, not I, should it not? For I have only a short time ago learned that one should write oneself with a small I

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. But what is that to all my other faults? Indeed I must say to exonerate myself somewhat, that I learned my small knowledge of writing entirely by myself, with no instruction from others, but it was not until I reached my thirtieth year that I could bring forth something legible, though never completely correct in spelling, and to this day I cannot make a straight line without ruling it first. On the other hand the so-called Gothic hand and gracefully curved letters of all kinds have always held great charm for me, although I have not used them much here. Well, then, let me continue as in former days.

When I began to write this little book, I marvelled at the fine story of the strangest of adventures that would be set down. Fool that I was! And yet - thinking better of it - why should I blame myself? Would that not be foolishness piled on foolishness? It is as if someone drew back my hand from it. To blame oneself must, it seems, be so unnatural, to make excuses and to interpret all things in the best light, so natural. I will therefore be very willing to excuse myself, for being at the beginning so enamoured of my own story, as any prince - or any beggar - with his own. Or, who has not heard many an ancient rustic greybeard prate of his adventures and the pranks of his youth and so on, for hours at a time and with a self-satisfied smile, so fluently and eloquently as any attorney, even if he is as great a ninny as ever was. True, in most cases it proves a trifle tedious for other people, but we must all do as we would be done by. [...] True also, that my tale does not include confessions of Rousseau's kind

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, nor should it do so. It may be that some people will accordingly take me for a better man than my conscience will let me think myself. But notwithstanding any admissions, others may still think me worse than, with the help of the Almighty, I shall ever be. And only my impartial Judge, He knows me through and through, no matter how I may portray myself."


Autobiography 79. "My confessions":

Bräker's "confessions" show to what extent he became aware, in what he would have thought of as his old age, of the stages in the development of his own personality. Naturally this makes for a good deal of repetition of narratives and thoughts already expressed earlier. He also felt able, however, to write of episodes in his life that he had so far omitted from his life-story. The passages quoted here are those which throw new light on Bräker's character and his early life.

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In German "ich" = "I" is written with a small letter.


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The "Confessions" of Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712-78) were not published until after his death. They were one of the first published autobiographies to be really frank about the weaknesses of the writer, including his sexual adventures.



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