The Poor Man of Toggenburg - Autobiography of Ulrich Bräker

became worse as the winter went on. At the time I thought: "Your little business has kept you alive until now, even though you couldn't save money by it, so you must not, indeed cannot give it up. If you do, you will have to pay your debts at once and at this time that would be absolutely impossible".

In other respects I was no better off. My small store of potatoes and other vegetables from my garden, as much as the thieves had left behind them, was all eaten. I was thus obliged to obtain provisions day by day at the mill, and this cost me a pretty handful of coin at the end of the week, just for red meal

and black bread. Yet always I was hopeful, I did not go without a single night's sleep, and said all the while: "Heaven will provide and will yet direct all things for good!" - "Yes!", replied my wife, like Job's

, "serves you right. It's none of my doing. If you had taken thought in good time, you idler! and stuck your hands into the ground more often than you stuck your nose into your books." "She is right!", I would think, "but nevertheless Heaven will provide", and I held my peace.

Yet it was true that I could not bear to see my innocent children suffer hunger while I could still find credit. In those days poverty was so rife that many destitute people were hardly able to survive until the spring, when they might find wild roots and leaves to eat. I too cooked all kinds of them, and I would rather have fed my fledglings on fresh leaves for ever, than do as one of my wretched neighbours did, whom I saw with my own eyes, him and his children, hacking off a whole bagful of meat from a dead horse of which dogs and birds had already eaten their fill for several days. Even now, when I recall this sight a shudder of disgust runs through all my limbs. In every respect my own situation did not distress me as much as the dire need of my mother and my brothers and sisters, who were all worse off than myself, and for whom I could do so little. Yet I helped them as much as I could and more, for I could still find some credit and they, none.

In May '71 a kind-hearted man helped me to acquire another cow and a few goats, lending me money for them until autumn, so that I now had at least a little milk for my children. But I could not save anything at all; what I was still gaining from my business had to go on food for man and beast. My debtors could not pay me, so I in my turn could not satisfy my creditors, and had to borrow money and cotton wherever I could. Finally, however, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. In my mind still sounded the usual "God still lives, things will change for the better!" but nevertheless my creditors were beginning to grumble and threaten.

From time to time I was obliged to hear of this man and that who was going bankrupt. There were hard-hearted fellows out every day with the bailiffs, collecting their debts. My brother-in-law was one of the unlucky ones. I myself had a claim upon him and was present at the court, though more in order to lend him support than on account of my money. O! what a pitiful spectacle it is, when a man must stand there like a petty criminal, hear the record of his debts and sins read out aloud, swallow so many bitter reproaches, some made out loud and some whispered, must see his house and furniture, everything down to his wretched bed and bedding, sold at auction for a derisory sum, must hear the wailing of his wife and children, and through it all stay quiet as a mouse. O, how I shook in every limb! Yet I could give neither help nor advice, nor do anything save pray for my sister's child and think in my heart: "You too, you are stuck just as fast in the mire! Today, tomorrow, it may happen to you, it must happen if things do not change soon. And how can they? Should I foolishly hope for a miracle? By the laws of nature it is impossible that I should recover. Perhaps your creditors will hold off a little longer, yet their patience could run out at any moment. But who knows, God still lives as before! It can't last for ever. But alas, even if things did improve, it will take years for me to recover, and most certainly my creditors will not grant me so much time. O God, what shall I do? I cannot confide in anyone, I must hide my anxiety even from my wife".